i want to crawl into a cave

after almost 10 years im finally watching scrubs

i feel like i would be unrecognizable to 22 year old monica

every day i learn something new about love and i realize that it really is everywhere. it was there in all the pain i have felt, in the grief, in the grace ive given myself and others.

all the blueprints to my life have been thrown out the window
the sky outside is a calm blue but rain falls from above
even diamonds carry imperfections so why shouldnt humans
isnt everything just a contradiction?
i suppose thats the only constant here

i keep wishing for a miracle and i dont want to lose hope

the whole world is telling me that its not my fault but i still feel like a failure

seeing your mom gave me the biggest smile. i remembered all those nights and days i was mothered by her and scolded by her and taken care and fed by her. i remember her always giving me a roof over my head when i didnt want to go home. she told me she was happy for me and proud of me and that you would be too. i sincerely hope youre looking down and thinking the same. i wish i could have been there for you as you navigated your 20s the same way you saw me navigate mine. i wish you could meet my boyfriend and that he could meet you.

my boyfriend proposed to me and let me tell you.. i did not think i would be alive to see this day but now im just confused as to what the appropriate response is

i drove past his house and there was a “for sale” sign by the front. no we did not speak but there was a certain comfort knowing he was always there. always a bike ride away. there was a certain nostalgia to know that the boy i once loved lived in that house, just so close to my own home. where did it all go. where did the memories go. where did the love go. i didnt think we could get it back but i hoped there would still be some kind of marker to explain where it all began.